you say you care about me.
and that you'll always be there for me.
and you don't want to let go.
but can you tell me what you think was ever really special about me?
i'm so tired of it.
my mom is new york city. my grandma going to san fransico.
my only escape is through sleeping because i'm in those places when i close my eyes.
if you ever see my on the streets and i stop and close my eyes, know that it's because i hate where i am and all i want to do is be free.
loose my self among the crowds and find myself.
to have a sense of complete freedom and peace within my self.
it's all i want.
and to be with someone who genuinely feels the same intense feelings i feel for them.
all i need.
and the two of the many things people refuse to give me.
i'm going to take them for myself.
i just need to breathe and leave.
but for now i'll just close my eyes and escape from this city that sucks my energy out of me until i'm writhing on the ground.
i'm so trapped.
all i want is to be free.
but honestly, i don't think he feels the same.
i'm holding on for a long as he let's me.
the truth is, i don't know what another loss will do to me.
and i'm scared to find out.
went out tonight. sat on a bench by the fountain in the park down on park avenue. smoked some cigs and watched the trains go by.
i'd give anything to jump on one and never look back.
i'm so drained.
everything's a fuck up.
everything i do. everything i put my self through. everything i feel.
i just figured it all out tonight.
the reason i feel like i have to help everyone no matter how much misery it causes me.
i have to help everyone as much as i can to the point where its hurting me.
the reason i can never let go of people.
the reason i get so upset when people leave me.
i can never accept it when people aren't around.
i always have to keep some connection to them no matter what.
the reason i feel guilty about everything.
the reason i feel like i don't deserve anything.
how i have to sacrifice myself for others and put everyones needs and wants before my own.
the reason why i keep punishing myself.
why i always give people a chance.
the reason i feel like i have to physically show people how much i'm hurting.
the reason why i don't feel allowed to be happy.
why i feel like i have to suffer.
the reason i'll never forgive my self but always forgive others no matter how much harm they've done to me.
why i beleive no one owes me anything.
why i don't believe i should be given anything.
the reason i apologize for not being able to help someone even though i've done everything i possibly can and even though it's almost emotionally or physically drained me.
it's all because of one event. one person.
it all makes sense.
me realizing why all of this is, won't make me change.
it's just a reminder of why i do this.
and i'll never forgive myself.
i deserve everything i do to myself. and i don't deserve to be happy.
We all need something we consider worth getting up in the morning for. Whether it's real or not, healthy or destructive, tangible or false, is irrelevant. When you've got nothing else to hang onto, deception can seem pretty inviting.
i give myself three days to feel better, or I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff. Because if I can't make myself feel better, then how can I expect anyone else to give a shit. And I scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this dead and eternal snow, because I swear that I am dying, slowly but it's happening and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright.
she stares at herself in the mirror. She doesn't notice how gorgeous she is. She doesn't give herself credit for being such a great person. A wonderful friend. A great listener. And she helps all her friends that need it. Even when it's a bad time for you.
i do.
it's all i think about.
but it's nice to care about someone and to have someone to miss.
oh poo come home soon.
got my acceptance letter same day i realized i didnt get my scholarship.
still bummed about that.
but whatever.
i'm going places.
me joe and ash are getting the fuck out. =]
i can't go to FAU now.
maybe if i wasn't such a fuck up i could be going places.
whatever i should have never gotten my hopes up in the first place and actually beleived things would work out.
since when have they ever.
i'm an idiot.
although the scholarship probably doesn't even matter because i probably didn't get into FAU anyways.
i hate being a screwup.
- Location:still in bed.
i miss ashley. [even though i spent the evening with her]
i miss joe. [even though i spent the day with her]
i really need to stray from this attatchment thing i've got going on.
it never ends well.
i'm bracing my self for a slap in the face.
i know its coming.
today. lunch with my mom? probably won't feel up for it.
work 4-9
it's 4:52 am.
i'm so screwed.
p.s garett come home soon, its a week today.
i'm just a girl in one of those snow globes.
tap away, try to get me, you'll never get me
I never get me.
I want to be something astronomical
like those stars that you wish to when your alarm rings 11:11 and you hope that one day if there is a God
it will listen.
i hate my pessimism
i hate how when I look at myself in the mirror I will only focus on those haunting shadows under my eyes.
Which haunt me, like ghosts
a symbol of how I stay up at night too tired to sleep
i feel completley alone and seem to have a label on my forehead that reads 'believesbullshit'
- Location:where dreams go to die.
- Music:my dog snoring
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fredthehermit- fr[ed] the hermit
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